Revised Self Introduction Letter
Subject: An introduction letter.
Dear Prof Brad,
My name is Zhi Xian and I am a year 1 robotics systems student at SIT. I am writing to you to introduce myself and also to share with you my interests in robotics systems.
I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in mechanical engineering. During my internship, I was tasked to automate repetitive tasks. Upon seeing how my work saved a lot of time and effort, I came to realise how important automation is. By continuing my studies in robotics systems, I am hoping to learn more about automation in the industry.
My weakness in communication is my public speaking. If I were to communicate with a large crowd of people, I would feel uneasy. I will tend to fold my arms and sway around during presentations, which some people had commented on in the past.
A communication strength that I possess is that I like to organise my ideas and concepts in my speech. I believe that not only will this make it clearer to the listener, but it will also allow me to know what I have to speak next.
I have a few goals that I hope to achieve in this module. Firstly, I will want to get rid of constantly folding my arms and swaying about. Secondly, I want to build up my confidence in speaking in large groups, be it a group or a class.
I hope that my letter has given you a good insight into me and I hope that I will learn more from you.
Best regards,
Ho Zhi Xian
I think it is well written overall with no noticeable mistakes made and how well he showed his strength and weaknesses in communication.
ReplyDeleteI think this letter is well written, as it is clear and concise, and the flow of ideas is smooth. However, some minor points that I noticed are, firstly, I feel that it should be "I will want to get rid of" instead of "I will want to rid of", and secondly, I feel that the last sentence could be phrased better. One way I would phrase it is "I will want to build up my confidence in speaking in front of an audience, regardless of the capacity of them."
ReplyDeleteDear Zhi Xian,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear, fairly detailed letter with the personal sharing. I appreciate the content being well aligned with the assignment brief, the effective way you have organized your thoughts and the fairly good language use. You've done a decent job providing supportive information for each specific content area, allowing us readers to gain a fairly clear understanding of who you are. I especially like the reference to your experience with automation during oyur internship and how that has influenced your decision to take up robotics.
Overall, this is a well expressed letter, as mentioned, but in the spirit of revising, I'd like you to look at the issues below:
1. phrasing issues
-- Throughout my course of study at Singapore Polytechnic, one significant moment was during my internship. > (Huh?)
-- ...which some people had commented on it in the past. > (Is the 'it' needed?)
-- ..that not only it will make it .... > ? ... that not only will this make it clearer...
2. Wrong verb form
-- If I were to communicate with a large crowd of people, I will feel uneasy. > (hypothetical) If I were to communicate with a large crowd of people, I WOULD feel uneasy.
-- I will tend to fold ... > ?
-- ... to rid of my habit of... > ? (see the dictionary)
-- ... I will want ... > I want
-- ... that my letter had given ... > (It should be present perfect tense.)
Let's work on these.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Prof Brad,
DeleteThank you for spotting my mistakes. I have done a revision of my letter writing. Please let me know if there are other mistakes. I hope to learn more from you on writing styles and sentence structures.
Best wishes,
Zhi Xian